Battle of the Sexes

Today I saw a guy use an extra corn tortilla as a napkin even though there were extra napkins within reach. Seriously?? It got me thinking about the differences between men and women. Specifically, an email I received a while back...

Disclaimer: The posting of this email does not necessarily reflect my views or opinions, it is merely to provide you with a chuckle...!

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women  

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.  
2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.  
3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
4. Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)
5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)  
7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)  
8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

Bathrooms

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, men kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.